I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
