I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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