an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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