Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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