She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
