you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
