guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
