we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize