Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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