he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
