see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
