ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
