Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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