Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
