Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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