I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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