just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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