I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
