then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
