Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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