I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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