First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
