i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
