I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
