Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
