Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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