My sheets look like a crime scene.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
