hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
