Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Green mimosas i think yes
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
