pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
