After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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