I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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