Only a mothe r could love this liver
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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