proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Randomize
