Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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