So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
