so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize