I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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