so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
