i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
