his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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