she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
