i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize