Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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