The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
this hospital has no fireball
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
