susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
