Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
