the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The adults are the big ones right?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
