So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
im six kinds of drunk right now
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
