i used baking grease as lip gloss
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
