You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
