I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
