I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
