Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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